“He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”
―Gabriel Garcia Marcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera.
It is just annoying. Reading comments and reactions on Caitlyn Jenner’s (born William Bruce Jenner) huge step in his/her life, in matters gender, is! What is annoying is not so much the negativity and overwhelming acceptance the world has handled the whole matter with, and in almost equal measure, but the one-sidedness of the story! I am wondering and confused about what one Kris Jenner must be going through watching her ex-husband strut the world in those sexy dresses and long wavy extensions like….dude you didn’t tell me you’d be a smocking hot lady later on in life! “Wait a f******* minute! Is my ex hubby hotter than me?! Oh, sorry. I didn’t have to go there… I mean, that’s the biological father to her two daughters and the father-figure to the rest of her kids with late husband -Kardashian too! I’m just wondering how confusing the whole situation must be for all of them. But Kris…? Boy, doesn’t she feel duped? Cheated? Dragged along for two decades or so? Isn’t she devastated now? Heartbroken even? Isn’t she justified to mourn the unnatural death of Bruce Jenner first then maybe celebrate him..sorry…her later? Well, forget your messed up situationship with your heartthrob and his dramatic baby mama who is also still trying to get back into the frame, (or is it just the picture?), this is now what COMPLICATED means!
But I will tell you this one thing I have learned: It is never just black or white, it is seldom ever a mere right or wrong. And in the oxymoron that is the silence of my own loud thoughts, I had to also think of Bruce’s struggle as a little boy and right into his attainment of the age of majority..to dragging his lost-self through adulthood, held captive by the fear of never being accepted, the pain of not belonging and the uncertainty of whom he might have been..in another world, another life. And I’ve quietly asked myself what that might have felt like, smiling broadly to hide the pain, laughing loudly to quiet the cries inside, flexing masculine muscles to try bury the girl inside who just wants to wear make up and play dress up…! Truth remains: I do not know! I don’t know what it is like to be prisoner in a world that some may swear is free. I don’t know what it’s like to be a father yet feel like a woman. I am totally clueless about what it might be like to live like an impostor in your own life..but I think it must be painful, maybe just as painful as feeling alone in the company of your spouse, or feeling cold in the warm embrace of your lover. Maybe…and..and maybe that is the saddest feeling in the world. Maybe that is what hell feels like…maybe.
My prayer is that Kris, and all other Kris’s out there, male and female, learn to be bold again. Bold enough to dance to the songs only their hearts can hear and kind enough to forgive others for whom they are and forgive them for what/whom the aren’t. For this life we are given is not a thing for our enduring, but a gift for us to relish. It is well! May we all find the grace to be the highest, boldest, truest forms of ourselves in a world that won’t stop judging those who sin different or just want to be themselves.
In all fairness, everyone is entitled to be their best, truest, boldest and most authentic expressions of themselves. And with that comes a lot of decisiveness, and a little bit of selfishness. Sometimes people must do what they must do..this time, for themselves! And lets face it, if there’s ONE, just one, thing we all want, it has got to be acceptance. We all want and yearn to be accepted, not for what we have or don’t have, not for whom we know, not for what our degrees and accolades read like, but for just who we are! And life as we know it, is a struggle. WE struggle to hold on, we struggle to let go! How much better would the world be if we simply live and let live? It is by the grace of this thought that I finally let go of the resentment I had building around Caitlyn Jenner’s bold stance. I have felt resentment pave way for an almost envious admiration. See, author Terri Windling (in Welcome to Bordertown) phrased it beautifully when she said: “We”re all misfits here,” he says, almost proudly. “That’s why I started this squat, after all. For people like us, who don’t fit in anywhere else. Halfies and homos and hopeless romantics, the outcast and outrageous and terminally weird. That’s where art comes from, Jimmy, my friend. From our weirdnesses and our differences, from our manic fixations, our obsessions, our passions. From all those wild and wacky things that make each of us unique.” Just how apt! I couldn’t agree more!
The beauty of accepting that our stories mustn’t read the same, is in letting others make bold statements in their own lives. So, while feeling for one Kris, for the loss (in one way) of someone she loves and hoped to spend forever with as husband and wife, I still raise my glass for the new gorgeous lady in town (not my town in the literal sense.LOL!!)! That was bold, that was tough, it might even get tougher, but that is YOU, and being yourself, if you ask me, is the greatest achievement in a world that is constantly trying to make us ‘fit in’.
Finally, let’s face it, transgender issues don’t have to either be right or wrong. They could in fact, be neither! Similarly, the would doesn’t have to necessary operate on the extremes of black and white, not especially when our interactions could easily leave our paths grey and especially not, when the color of the our God, the God of all creation, is the color of water! May our conversations, debates, and discussions, be objective and our hearts pure!
One C. JoyBell C. literally stole my words right off my mouth when she wrote this:
“When I was a little girl, everything in the world fell into either of these two categories: wrong or right. Black or white. Now that I am an adult, I have put childish things aside and now I know that some things fall into wrong and some things fall into right. Some things are categorized as black and some things are categorized as white. But most things in the world aren’t either! Most things in the world aren’t black, aren’t white, aren’t wrong, aren’t right, but most of everything is just different. And now I know that there’s nothing wrong with different, and that we can let things be different, we don’t have to try and make them black or white, we can just let them be grey. And when I was a child, I thought that God was the God who only saw black and white. Now that I am no longer a child, I can see, that God is the God who can see the black and the white and the grey, too, and He dances on the grey! Grey is okay.”
..So when I tell you it is never just black or white, I’m in fact telling you that it could also be grey..and grey too is okay! Very much so!